Transcript: The Real Truth Why I Hate Video (Hint: It’s My Weight)

October 5, 2017

AMY PORTERFIELD: Hey there, Amy Porterfield here.  Welcome  back  to another episode of the Online Marketing Made Easy Podcast. I want you to imagine what you could do if you let  go  of  that  one  thing  that  is holding you back, that one  thing you  don’t want  to  talk about but  it’s very, very present in your life. 

Imagine. Can I let you  into  my  imagination? Can  I  take  a  second to  be very, very honest and talk about something that’s held me  back? It’s not going to be easy but I’ve been seeing a  shift in  the way that people are running their businesses. 

I’m seeing that those that are most open and honest with their struggles and journeys are embraced whole heartedly by their fans, followers, and audiences. They  are making an  amazing impact with their willingness to be honest. 

This is me being open about my struggles. I hope you can be open with yours. If you know me then you know I always say I have a love/hate relationship with video. I love it because it’s personal and engaging and it keeps things interesting. 

You likely heard me talk about not loving video as well. Here’s the exact words I’ve used, “ Live video makes me nervous, ” or , “ too many opportunities for tech challenges. I’d rather just not do video,” or, “I’m just not comfortable on video. 

Maybe, not often, but maybe you’ve heard me whisper between sentences, “I don’t necessarily like the way I look on video.” Oh man, that is such an understatement. If I was being really, really honest, which  is  why  I’m creating this episode today, to  be  brutally open and honest with you right now, I would say I hate video because I’m embarrassed by my weight. 

That’s the real reason. I look at the video s and I cringe with embarrassment. What’s even harder to say aloud is that I feel ashamed by my weight. Wow, just saying that literally hurts my heart. 

The issue is so much more than just the weight or how I  look. Somewhere along the way, I’m not  sure  when  this  happened,  I  managed  to  twist things up in my head. 

For many years now I’ve tied my  self worth to  my  success. I’ve decided I’m not good enough, or just good  in  general, or worthy unless things are going great in my business. 

Here’s how it looks for me. If something goes wrong or  if  things get tough in my business no matter how big or small I feel worthless. I feel like a failure. That then leads to self sabotage. For me, self sabotage looks like not taking care of myself, eating through my emotions, not being present, not moving my body at all, all things related to my weight. 

Let me tell you a quick story. Once I did a webinar that didn’t go so well. I was feeling terrible. Instead of chalking it up  as  part of  doing business (you can’t win them all) I turned to eating a bunch of cupcakes that had been leftover from Cade’s birthday party. 

I just ate my emotions. I didn’t even  save  any  for  him  and  I  bet  after school he  would have  loved an  extra  cupcake from his birthday. But I  just ate through my emotions to the point that my stomach hurt. I wanted to physically feel my failure. 

I wanted food to numb the pain. So  after the  self  sabotage that  often looks just like I explained there the overwhelm and stress takes over. 

I hate to admit it but I think I find  worthiness  in  the  fact  that  I’m  so busy…the   hustle.   If   I’m   working hard (a.k.a. if I’m hustling) then I’m earning my  success. I  think I  need to  earn it. I  find significance in  my  work so I just work harder and harder. 


I hustle more and more. It’s a vicious cycle and it has contributed to me losing sight of  what really matters. It’s not always been like this and I know it won’t always stay like this either. 

Throughout 2013 I found a way to work less and make more. It was life changing. I was happier and I was healthier so I know this cycle is not necessary but somehow I’ve slipped right back into it. 

I’m sharing this all with you and I  know this is  a  very different podcast than I’ve ever done before. Believe me I feel like I’m shaking inside even talking about this stuff now but I’m sharing it with you for two reasons. 

I’ve had an  overwhelming feeling that I  wanted to  let you  in  and openly share my struggle with my weight and worthiness and self acceptance. Selfishly my hope is that by  being open and  honest with you  here I  can slowly melt away the shame and embarrassment. 

I just want to say it  out loud and I  want to  say it  to  people that know me and trust me and I feel you are here for the right reasons. I want to be healthier and happier and feel more alive in all that I do both professionally and personally. 

The second reason is that I know you, too, may be struggling with a challenge of your own. It might look totally different than  mine  but  we each have our own  “thing” we’re dealing with. Whatever it  is  it’s real to you just like my issue is very real to me. 

Although I’m not going to give you advice because I, too, am in it at this moment, I will say  that  being  open  and  honest  and  sharing  what  you want to share about  whatever  it  is  that  you’re  struggling with  will  make you feel more human, less alone, and more alive. 

Since I talk a lot about the entrepreneurial journey I believe my  journey, and possibly yours too, would be  so  much more exciting and so  much more rich and impactful if  we  were able to  accept ourselves just the way we are no matter what. 

Here’s what’s interesting. I don’t tell you all of this so  that I  can keep myself accountable to lose weight. I’m actually sharing this side of me today because I’m working toward more self acceptance and more self love no matter what weight I’m at. 

I want to love this version of myself right now and any other version that comes alone. 

So, to wrap this up, yes, I want to lose weight 100% and yes I want my business to continue to be wildly successful. Those things are tied to expectations of myself and I’m learning that I am complete no matter my expectations of myself or others. 

I’m learning that non attachment to my expectations is truly my road to freedom and happiness. I’m learning we are inherently whole no matter what and that we are worthy because we exist. That’s all. Because we exit. 

That’s a hard, hard lesson for me  to  learn. Maybe you too. But I  believe it to  be  true. I’ve just got to  kind of  let it  sink in  and just be  with it  for a  bit to really feel it in my  bones. Maybe this message found its way to  you at just the right time. 

Maybe it’s time for you, too, to look at  how you define worthiness in  your life and look at that one challenge or one struggle that you just know is holding you back. Maybe it’s time for you, too, to  take a  closer look just as I am doing over here. 

There you have it. Thank you so much for letting me share. Next week I promise we are going to  get  back  to  business  with  the  tips,  strategies, and tools you know I so love to talk about. I will see you again soon, bye for now. 

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