LISA BILYEU: “There's a massive difference—again, I'm just going to keep repeating this—between wanting to do something, knowing how to do it, and actually doing it. So I wanted to create impact. I was so excited. I knew that this was my mission in life. I had dedicated my life to it. And then I was getting offers to speak on stage, and I kept saying no because I was scared. Well, I was petrified. Why would I ever speak on stage? That’s horrifying. And then I stopped and paused, and I was like, ‘This actually moves me towards my goal.’ So with no shame, no judgment, what would I rather: move towards my goal and be uncomfortable—again, I asked myself that question—or just not get on stage and know that that's holding me back from my goal? And so I sat back and I said, ‘No, I actually need to do this even though I don't want to.’ So I had to come up with a strategy because, like I said, it's one thing to want to and a whole other thing to actually step on stage when your heart is like [trill] and you feel like you want to vomit.
“So I came up with a game plan.”
INTRO: I’m Amy Porterfield, ex-corporate girl turned CEO of a multi-seven-figure business. But it wasn't all that long ago that I lacked the confidence, the budget, and the time to focus on growing my small-but-mighty business. Fast forward past many failed attempts and lessons learned, and you'll see the business I have today, one that changes lives and gives me more freedom than I ever thought possible, one that used to only exist as a daydream. I created the Online Marketing Made Easy podcast to give you simple, actionable, step-by-step strategies to help you do the same. If you're an ambitious entrepreneur, or one in the making, who's looking to create a business that makes an impact and a life you love, you're in the right place, friend. Let's get started.
AMY: So, I have a little homework for you. I want you to head to your favorite podcast-listening platform; search for the podcast Success Story, hosted by Scott D. Clary; and start listening. Success Story is a new podcast obsession for me; and it features Q&A sessions with successful business leaders; keynote presentations; and conversations on sales, marketing, business, and entrepreneurship. Scott recently spoke with a guest about the importance of socially conscious entrepreneurship, and I love that conversation. This is such an important topic right now, so be sure to check out that specific episode, for sure. You can listen to Success Story wherever you get your podcasts.
Welcome back to another episode of Online Marketing Made Easy. I’m so glad you’re here today, because my guest and I are talking about something that we all could use a little extra support in.
So, here’s a question for you. When was the last time you felt truly confident? Like, on top of the world, nothing is going to get in your way, that type of confidence. Hopefully, you can recall the last time, and if not, that's okay, too. But what if? What if we felt that confident all the time? Felt confident in our dreams, in our goals, in our skin, in who we are, and what we're meant to do in the world? That's the confidence that lights up the world and the kind of confidence I know we all have in us. I know I have it in me, and I know you have it in you. And so does my guest. My guest knows this in her bones.
She's been on the show before, and I'm so excited that she's back with us today. Her name is Lisa Bilyeu, and she's the co-founder of Quest Nutrition, which went from zero to a billion dollars in just five years. But before that, she was stuck in what she refers to as the purgatory of the mundane, a place where her confidence felt non-existent. Fast forward to becoming a thought leader in the personal-development space and life hacking her way to confidence. Today she's sharing how she did it, with actionable, tangible ways that you can do the same.
Lisa's first book, Radical Confidence, is about to hit the shelves, so we'll be chatting about that, too. This episode was fire, and I know you're going to walk away with practices that you can start using right freaking now, like, implement right away. And the goal is for you to feel more confident as you're reaching and striving to accomplish your goals.
Now, I want to mention that this episode uses a little bit of adult language, and I know many of you listen to my podcast when you're taking your kids to school or when the kids are around. I know this because you DM me and you tell me, like, your daughter loved one of my episodes, and you guys got to talk about it in the car, which I thought was really, really sweet. So this episode might not be for the kiddos to listen to as well. Maybe pop your earbuds in and go for a walk and just enjoy yourself.
All right, my friends. I hope you enjoy every minute of this episode. Let's do it.
Well, hey, there, Lisa. Welcome back to the show.
LISA: Oh, my god. Homie, it’s so good to be here.
AMY: It's always fun to have you on the show, and I'm loving the topic of today, so we're going to get right to it. Let's start at the very top. What does radical confidence mean to you?
LISA: All right. So, I get asked all the time, “Lisa, how the hell did you get your confidence? How did you go from being stuck serving your husband's needs for eight years as a stay-at-home wife and build businesses? And it looks like you're having so much fun. Like, how do I get your confidence?” And, girl, when I say every time someone said that to me, I would pause and look around. I'm like, “Are they talking to me? Like, Surely they must mean someone else,” because it didn't feel true. And when I started to process what people saw is they saw someone that acts. They saw someone that moves forward, that always goes into things with lightheartedness, but tries new things. And I realized, well, what they were seeing was radical confidence, which means I have the negative voice in my head that is telling me over and over all the reasons why I should never take a chance on myself, all the things I'm not good at, all the ways I'm going to mess up, and yet I still do it anyway. And that's the difference. I don't wait to feel great about myself to start something.
Now, look, I'm not saying radical confidence is blindly just like, “Guys, don't worry about it. Just do it anyway.” No, no. When you've got that crippling voice in your head that’s telling you you're no good, just telling someone to “do it anyway” doesn't help. So to me, it's using skills and tools that you can implement on your journeys that when you find yourself really feeling insecure, then you have something to turn to. And that is radical confidence. It’s not worrying about the fear, but using tools to move forward and live the life you want.
AMY: Okay. Speaking of tools, I want to get into some of those. So tell us about the “no bullshit, what would it take?” game that you've talked about in the book.
LISA: Oh my god. I love this tool so much, because for so long I used to say, “Look, I really wish I could do this. Oh, I really want to do this.” And there was one time, to give an example, I was watching a movie with my husband, and I was like, “You know what? I'd really love to be a pianist.” And he turns around, and he's like, “Well, babe, you know what? Isn't it great that you could still be the best pianist in the world if you really wanted to be?”
AMY: Whoa.
LISA: And I was like, “You are right.”
Now, here's the thing: when you play “no bullshit, what would it take?” the idea is to take that big, audacious dream—so let's say it’s being the best pianist in the world. And instead of sitting there wishing, “I wish I could,” you actually say, “What would it take for me to be the best pianist in the world?” And so once you break it down, let's just say, keep on this path of the story, so to be the best pianist in the world, Lisa, it means you have to give up your business. It means that you only get to spend date night with your husband once every six months because you have to practice fifteen hours a day. You know you love working out. Yeah, you've got to stop that because those hours have to go to, you know, being a pianist. All your vacation time, nope, sorry, you can’t do that. You can actually be going on vacation once a year, because if you really want to be the true best pianist in the world, you've got to put in the hours. And let’s say you want to do in ten years. That's what it's going to take.
Amazing. I've just played “no bullshit, what would it take for me to be the best pianist?” And now I've assessed and go, “I don't want to do that. I love my husband. I want to see him way more than once a month. I love my business. I don't want to give up my business.” And now in one year, in five years, in ten years, I'm never saying, “I wish I could be a pianist.” What I do say is, “I'm so glad I made the decision not to choose to be a pianist.” And that is how you take what you want in life, assess it, and take ownership over it. And now you get to decide, is that actually something you want to do so that you don't ever have to live in regret and wish you had done it? You've assessed it, and you've made a very clear and conscious decision not to do it, or do it, either way.
AMY: Ah, that is fantastic. I love something like that. It just puts it all into perspective and gives you the power; you're getting to decide. And I think so much of your book talks about, like, owning that, empowering yourself, having those decisions, knowing that they're yours. So, love it.
Okay. So you have a unique and refreshing approach to reframing and dealing with your weak spots and that negative voice that you talked about earlier. So can you share what you found works best when you come up against these things? And also, how can my listeners use your approach to help them grow personally and professionally?
LISA: Yeah. Very specifically with the negative voice, is that…?
AMY: Yes. Let's talk about that, that negative voice or any other weaknesses that you've seen, that you've had, and you've been able to overcome.
LISA: Ooh, so many. How long is this interview?
AMY: Same, girl. Same.
LISA: Yeah. But I’m glad—and thank you for saying that as well because I think it's so important that people see and hear that failure is inevitable when you're going after something that you really want in life. It means that you're trying. And so the first thing actually is is that when you're going after something, any weaknesses that you have, like, to not be worried or petrified about them, because let's say you try something and you fail because of some of your weak spots. It doesn't mean that you are not worthy. It doesn't mean that you don't bring anything to the table. It doesn't say anything about you, except for the fact that you’re a bad ass that just gave it a shot. That's what failure says about you. That's what identifying your weaknesses says about you, is that you care about your life and that you want that dream so badly that you're willing to take a hard look at your weaknesses, and you're willing to accept that failure isn't an option.
That is, like, one of the most empowering things I can possibly say, because the truth is, no matter what I say right here, right now, no matter what you say, when your listeners go off and do that thing that they really want to try and do, they're going to face moments where they’re inadequate. It's just inevitable. You're going to find those moments where, “Uh oh, I didn't realize this was a weak spot of mine, and now I have to take a hard look.” You're going to find moments where you fail. All of that is so true. And it doesn't matter how long you’ve been in the game, it doesn't matter how long you’ve been doing stuff for, it is inevitable. And so for me, I have accepted it and have re-pivoted how I think about it and think of it as being the most beautiful thing because it means I tried. The moment I am always comfortable and always succeeding, it is an indicator to me that I'm not pushing myself beyond my limits. And we all freaking know, that's when the magic happens, when you push yourself beyond the limits that you ever thought was possible, because now you're like, “Oh, my god. If I can do that, imagine what else I can do.”
AMY: Oh, like, sky's the limit. Absolutely. But what happens when that negative voice fully takes over? Like, what do you do when it's like, “I'm not good enough. I failed before. This is just proof that I can't do this. Look what everyone else is doing”? What do you do, when you want to experience that radical confidence, what do you do about the negative thinking?
LISA: Yeah. Thank you, girl, because that is a thing that I don't want people to think, okay, but, Lisa, yes, failing and finding your weak spots means that you're moving forward. Great. But let's all be real for a second. It doesn't feel like that in the moment.
AMY: Right.
LISA: That voice in the head is saying, “See, I told you. I knew you shouldn't have tried that new thing. I told you you were going to embarrass yourself. I told you you were no good, and you didn't listen to me.” And now that negative voice is even freakin’ louder, so what do you do? Thank you for that pitch, because that was such a right question, because that's the thing. It's not just believing it. It's not just I would do it anyway. It is actually saying, “How the hell do I stop this negative voice that is absolutely paralyzing me? How do I switch it?”
And this is where I like to refocus on my language. So I use words like, the negative voice was my kryptonite. How could it be my superpower? And I use language like that because the negative voice can be crippling, and I can take her very seriously. And so I don't want to take her seriously. I need to make her more lighthearted. So I use the words kryptonite and superpower. So how do I take this kryptonite that is this horrible voice in my head and make, basically, it my superpower? It's about perspective. It's about reframing, Okay. If she's holding me back—so many people—I don't know if you've heard this. Everyone’s like, “No, no, no. Speak nicely to yourself. Be nice to yourself.” Again, it's one thing to say that. But now when you can't, what are you doing? You're beating yourself up over the fact that you can't stop beating yourself up. And now it becomes a freakin’ double whammy.
AMY: Yes.
LISA: So I go to strategy. What is the tool I can actually use in this moment where this voice is so overpowering? How do I reframe that?
Okay. When you have a friend, Amy, who you really care about and really freakin’ cares about you, and you know she really has your best interests at heart, and she comes to you, and she says, “You know what, Amy? I actually really want to give you advice over here on this one thing, because I don't know if you're very good.” And if she was your friend, you would really know that she had your true interests at heart. You wouldn't try to shut her down, hopefully. You would try to listen to her and say, “She wants good for me. So what is she trying to tell me, and is this true? And if so, how can I adapt?”
That's what I'm talking about, about the mean girl in your head. The mean girl in your head is just your ego. She just wants to protect you from getting hurt. She wants to protect you from all the ego-bruising things that are going to come along with failure. But if you can flip it and say, “All right, mean girl in my head, what are you actually trying to tell me? Like, let me put”—and I use analogies—”Let me put my arm around you. Let me give you a cuddle. Let me give you a cup of tea. My bestie, what do you have to say?” And then just let her run wild. Literally, take a notepad, get a pen, and just write what the voice in your head is saying. With no emotion attached to it, just take it for what it is.
So, the example I give in the book is when I first stepped in front of the camera. I was petrified to get in front of the camera. So of course, the voice is like, “What you doing? You're going to embarrass yourself. You're not as good as Tom. Lisa, you’re good behind the scenes. You know how to produce content, but you have no idea how to host.” Voice, voice, voice, voice. I get in front of the camera, and I totally bomb. And so the voice is going, “See? I told you, Lisa. You didn't even have an outro. You didn't have an intro. What the hell are you doing?” And so in that moment, I thought, she can paralyze me, what she’s telling me, because it’s true, Amy.
That’s also the thing. What she was telling me was actually true. I wasn't any good. And so in that moment, I said, “I can either allow her to hold me back and never get in front of the camera again, which doesn't align with my goal, which is impact;” or I can say, “I need to listen to her so that I can learn, get better so that I can keep working towards my goal, which is impact.”
And I had to assess in that moment which actually is more important to me: actually creating impact and making myself uncomfortable or keep myself safe and not creating impact. And in that moment, where we have to make those decisions, where you have to look nakedly at the situation and decide, I do it with no judgment, because no one can tell me I should live a life of discomfort and impact. It's my life. I do what I like with it. So I want your audience to hear what I'm saying. Assess it with no judgment. What is that life you want? And then, how do you get it?
So, for me, I had to go, well, I still really want to create impact, which means I have to keep putting myself in front of the camera. How the hell am I going to get over this negative voice? Listen to her. What is she saying? “Lisa, you twitch a lot.” She's right. I do twitch a lot. “Where does the twitching come from?” Anxiety. “Why am I anxious?” Because I have zero idea how to end this interview. All right, Lisa. Amazing. She's just told you you have to be prepared on how on Earth to end an interview. So what can I do? Oh, I can come up with a tagline? What's the tagline? Be the hero of your own life. Amazing. Put it on a white board. Put it under your A camera.
And now, the very next time I got in front of the camera, I didn't panic, because I had an outro. I had my one liner. I had a backup, so I had it written down. And so now my anxiety lowered, I didn't twitch as much, and the negative voice wasn't as loud. And that is how, every single time I step in front of the camera, I allow her to speak. I treat her as my bestie. I listen to what she says. I take it as advice, and I work on it. And that is how I've continuously stepped in front of the camera every single day, even if I have anxiety, even if I have no idea what I'm doing. I just keep moving forward and use the mean girl in my head to become my BFF, or another way to put it, the critic became my coach.
AMY: That is incredible, I've actually never heard anyone on this podcast talk about that. And I journal every morning, and that's a great journal prompt. When I'm beating myself up, take it to the paper, start writing about what it is. But I love the idea of listen to her. And if I'm willing to listen to her, I think her voice gets a little bit softer, a little bit more gentle when I'm not up against her like this.
LISA: Yes. Because that friction comes, right, when you don't want to hear it.
AMY: Yes.
LISA: You don't want to acknowledge it. You're trying to push her away. And now this friction just gets worse and worse instead of going, all right. I've heard you. I’ve just acted on it. Now what you got, mean girl?
AMY: That's brilliant advice. I love that. Okay. I love when we give solid tools on this podcast, so that one was excellent.
And actually, I've got another one for you. So you talk about this step-by-step practice for identifying self-sabotage and breaking the pattern so you can move closer to accomplishing your goals. So can you walk us through that practice because I personally loved it, and self-sabotage is a big topic on this podcast. Many of my students struggle with it.
LISA: Yeah. This was such a big topic for me because there's so many times that we get in our own way.
AMY: Yes.
LISA: Literally, we look around us, and we always say, “Oh, well, if this wasn't true, then I'd get to my dream. If this didn't happen, then I would get to my dream. Well, if the person wasn't like that, then I would do it,” right?
AMY: Yes.
LISA: And I understand. I get why we do it. It makes us feel better about ourselves.
Now, here's the thing, though. I like to flip and go, “Isn't it amazing to say we're the ones getting in our own way?” Like, that is so beautiful because now it’s like, “I can change my actions and actually, then, get out of my own way.”
So let's take—I mean, there's so many different situations—but let's take, for instance, the one that I think is fairly common, which is about weight loss and health. So people keep saying, “Oh, my god. I really want to go and get healthy, but I just don't have the time. Like, work is in the way.” And it's like, “Okay. Well, you're making decisions based on maybe habit, maybe based on what's comfortable in the moment, but what you're actually doing is sabotaging yourself so you never get to your goal.” And that’s the point. I'm just like, how the hell do we get to our goal? And what are the things that get in our way?
And that's what the book is really about. And self-sabotage, you have to address it. So like, the easy example that I think resonates with people is say, “Okay. What's my goal to get healthy?” Amazing. “What am I doing right now that is getting in my way of getting healthy?” So let's say it's “Well, I don't get up early enough.” Okay. Put your alarm on. So some people are like, “Yeah, but I got to get sleep. Sleep's important.” Amazing. Yes, I agree. Sleep is important. So, okay. What are your other options? “Go to bed earlier. That's an option. Do I want to do it? Yes or no. No, I don't want to do it because I really like going to bed late because that's when I spend time with my partner.” Amazing. Okay. So what if you, then, work out in the evening? “Well, no, I don't like working out in the evening because of x, y, and z.” Okay. Then can we address that your goal actually isn’t aligned with what you actually want to do in life? And so now you're actually sabotaging yourself because you don't want to admit you actually don't want it bad enough.
AMY: Ooh. And that's okay. You don't have to want it bad enough.
LISA: That's okay. Yes.
AMY: Stop telling yourself you want it, and then you, like, literally refuse to do the things that you need to do to get it. And I’ve so been guilty of this.
LISA: Yeah. And the self-sabotage part, though, is not even recognizing that you're doing it to yourself.
AMY: Yes.
LISA: It's good. We’re like, “Hang on. I've got a lot of work. I just don't have the time.” No, no, no. You do. You can make choices that allow you to stop sabotaging yourself over the goals you want. Or the thing that's even worse that petrifies me is we write things off before we even start it. That's, like, the worst freakin’ self-sabotage. And let's say, for instance, dating, especially online dating now, where you've got boxes. You’re like, “Well, he doesn't want kids, so what's the point of going on a date anyway?” And it's like, well, you've just sabotaged any opportunity that you made. You know, you say that you want to find the love of your life. You're not giving people any chance if they don't tick all of your boxes. So you're actually sabotaging any chance you may have to get outside what you think you may even want. Or it just reaffirms actually, no. What I want is someone that really wants kids. Amazing. And know you know. But, like, not giving yourself the opportunity to experiment and explore is, I think, another form of self-sabotage that we don't even recognize we're doing.
AMY: Yes. Not even getting started at all. Like, you cut it off right from the get-go. So many opportunities missed. So no, this is really good.
So if we talk about the step-by-step practice, what do they need to do?
LISA: Yeah. So I would say, first of all, really assess what that goal is. You have to be so freakin’ clear, and this has to be written out in, like, one sentence, maybe two sentences. I’m not sure if you want to talk about mission, but when it comes to your mission and your goal, how the hell do you stay on that path?
And so for me, it is about writing them down, being very succinct on what that is so when it comes to mission, it’s like the who, the what, the when, the why, the how. Right? So for me, my mission is to create content that impacts fourteen-year-old girls so they don't have to spend the next twenty years unwiring the negative mindset I've had.
All right. I said the who: the fourteen-year-old. The how: creating content. The why: so they don't have to spend the next twenty years unwiring. I keep that to my heart. So every time I go to self-sabotage myself, I have a north star. I have a thing that pulls my heart, because, guys, no matter what happens in life, you're going to find those moments that are obstacles. Do you have a mission? Do you have a north star to keep moving forward? So that's key.
Then, your goals. Within this amount of time—so let's say it's your fitness goal. I want, like, get so freakin’ succinct and binary. You either did it or you didn't. So I so want to get healthy that I'm going to go to the gym for the next six months. I'm going to go five days a week for at least forty-five minutes. Make a commitment to yourself. Write that down. And then every day, ask yourself, “Did you do it? Yes or no.” And if the answer is no, that's where you need to identify, why are you freakin’ self-sabotaging and how you self-sabotage, in what ways, and why? Because it might start to unearth something that you didn't even realize was there. So you have to, I think, assess, write down each step of the way, and then ask yourself, why?, with no freaking excuses. Like, just own it. Because here's the thing about excuses: so many of them are real. And so now it’s, like, yes, you may have to walk your dog every morning, right? And it’s like, okay. Well, walk him earlier, walk him after the gym, right? It's, like, so using a reason or as an excuse, but actually addressing it and then reframing it and then reworking it into your plan of top tier, mission; second tier, goals; third tier, actionable things. So I'm going to go to the gym five days a week. And then assessing, are you doing it? Yes or no.
AMY: Boom. That was good. That was fantastic. And just to remind everyone who's listening, if you get the book—and we'll talk about that a little bit later—there are so many great examples and step by step and break down of this good stuff, so you can get even more insight into this. But I love that we're going there today.
You've worked hard to make your business unique, one of a kind. But standing out in a crowd can be difficult when you're focused on growing. Lucky for us, there's a solution. It's called HubSpot. HubSpot helps your business grow better with an easy-to-use customer-relationship-management platform, or a CRM, that helps put your customers first and your business a step ahead of the rest. I know my audience, and I know that streamlining your content strategy is extremely important. With HubSpot CRM, you can connect and amplify your content strategy, all with a few clicks. Plus, HubSpot helps you create topic clusters, which automatically link your supporting content to your core-content pages, helping search engines easily identify you as an expert and boost your rankings. Learn how your business can grow better at hubspot.com.
Okay. So, I want to talk about tangible ways for boosting your confidence. You have so many ideas in the book, but share with me just a few of them. Actually, one I can attest to. You talk about choosing your personal theme song?
LISA: Oh, yeah. What's yours?
AMY: Well, it's so cliché of a white girl, but “Don't Stop Believin’” by Journey has always been my song, like for fifteen years now. So that's always, like, before every webinar, I play it. For every live event, I play it. So I've got a theme song. What is yours?
LISA: I love it. So I have—my always go-to no matter what is “Survivor” by Destiny's Child.
AMY: Yes.
LISA: It’s, like, just listen to those lyrics. And here's the thing: I can so attach to it. My entire life, people always were like, “What the hell are you doing? Who the hell do you think you are? America? You’re going to go live in America? Lisa, you know no one in America. What do you mean you're going to start a protein-bar company? What do you…?” Like, doubters, doubters, doubters. And some people, even from the love of their heart, they doubted me. My dad doubted that I would ever make it in a relationship with my husband, and we're just about to celebrate our twenty-year wedding anniversary.
AMY: Wow! Congrats.
LISA: Thank you. So, the doubt to me doesn't dictate how I show up, and it actually boosts me even more. So I listen to those lyrics. Sometimes I actually pull them up, and I start singing, and I read them, even though I know them, like, there's some empowerment in that. But like, go, have your freakin’ hype song. When you think about, you know, being a wrestler and coming into the ring and, like, the lights are off, and the spotlight’s going, like, what's that freakin’ hype song that when you're feeling totally, utterly inadequate or petrified or imposter syndrome kicks in with whatever you're doing, what is that thing that you're going to do that is immediately going to snap you out of it and believe that you can freakin’ kick some ass? And it's a hype song. And so that's mine.
AMY: I love it. I love it. So that's one great tip. Give me, like, one more, how to boost your confidence.
LISA: Okay. This all came from—there's a massive difference—again, I'm just going to keep repeating this—between wanting to do something, knowing how to do it, and actually doing it. So I wanted to create impact. I was so excited. I knew that this was my mission in life. I had dedicated my life to it. And then I was getting offers to speak on stage, and I kept saying no because I was scared. Well, I was petrified. Why would I ever speak on stage? That’s horrifying. And then I stopped and paused, and I was like, “This actually moves me towards my goal.” So with no shame, no judgment, what would I rather: move towards my goal and be uncomfortable—again, I asked myself that question—or just not get on stage and know that that's holding me back from my goal? And so I sat back and I said, “No, I actually need to do this even though I don't want to.” So I had to come up with a strategy because, like I said, it's one thing to want to and a whole other thing to actually step on stage when your heart is like [trill] and you feel like you want to vomit.
So I came up with a game plan. And that’s exactly what this book is. Everything you want to do in life, no matter how scared or whatever it is getting in your way, what is that game plan so that you don't get stuck in your own head of telling yourself you're no good and who am I to do this?
So game-plan number one was just say yes. Don't ask questions. So literally, I told everyone, the very next speaking gig I get, you need to say yes. And so I didn't even ask. I just said yes and then realized it was bloody TEDx. And I was like, “Oh, god.”
AMY: Oh, geez.
LISA: My first-ever speaking gig, ever, was TEDx.
AMY: No. That’s too much.
LISA: So I said yes, so I couldn’t go back on my word because I made that promise to myself. Then I said, “Okay. Book the ticket. But how the hell do I actually get to the event when I'm so scared?” So I came up with the things that empower me: my outfit. Like, I think about Wonder Woman. I've worn this Wonder Woman necklace around my neck now, this logo. I wear this. First of all, I just loved it. It was gimmicky. And then I said, “How could I put power to this? What could I actually purposefully associate with things that I do as a way to suit up like Wonder Woman puts her cape on?” And I cultivated it purposely. So I was like, “Okay. What do I know? It’s the way you dress. It's like your suit of armor.” So I started to, every time I would look in the mirror and see my Wonder Woman necklace, I would say to myself, “That's what you’re made of, Lisa.”
Now, we all know repetition creates habit. You tell yourself that enough, it freakin’ works. You put an alarm in your phone, and I call it You Got This Roulette. So my alarm was, I would put, “You got this,” with a little emoji. So guys, you can put whatever motivating thing will get you. Close your eyes and spin the time. And I did this, like, for two weeks leading up to getting on stage, and I wouldn't know what time it was going to go off. And every day or every couple of days, I would just spin it, and it would go off at random moments to remind myself I got this. So, it was like those little drips.
Then, I had Supergirl underwear on, because the amount of times you have to run to the restroom because you're so—like, I was so anxious about getting on stage, I was, like, I need these small, subliminal hits. And it's just small and subliminal. But now imagine, girl. Everywhere I look, from the necklace to my underwear to my hair to I'm even going to show you—I've got a watch on and a thing that literally, my watch is so big, someone even wrote in a comment on my YouTube channel the other day, “I think that watch is wearing Lisa.”
AMY: Lisa’s a little, itty bitty thing, so I think it could happen. Yeah.
LISA: I mean, this watch is massive. But when I put it on, there's that mental feeling of when Wonder Woman puts on her cuffs. And so what I’ve done over the last few years is every time I put on my watch, I say to myself, “I’m Wonder Woman putting on my cuffs.” So it becomes this mental state that I have purposely cultivated, and because I know I can be so petrified, I'll never step on stage. And I had to come up with stepping stones from the moment I said yes to the moment I actually got on stage. And the very last thing was the hype song. I put on my headphones. I've now got my Wonder Woman outfit on, metaphorically. I've done my hair. I've got my bad-bitch boots on that are my knee-high boots that are black leather that when I zip them up, they just make me feel freakin’ bad ass.
And so I want people right now to think, what is that item? What are the things I'm saying that they can do? It doesn’t have to be boots. It doesn't have to be your braids or Wonder Woman necklace. But what is that thing that represents to them that they've got this? And how do you lean into it and cultivate it on the daily—because it's not by accident; it has to be purposeful—that they can start right now, today, and do every single day? And what I would advise is do that every single day for a month, and it becomes a habit. And then do one more thing, and then do that for a month. And now what you see today is, like, three years of Lisa telling herself that, you know, the watches, the cuffs, and the necklace is the reminder of how bad ass I am. But it's all been cultivated. And so I know you had just asked for one tip, but I just couldn't help it.
AMY: Oh, that’s good. That is fantastic. I love how detailed you get on these, because I want people to apply them as much as possible.
Okay. I've got one more question for you, and that is, what is emotional sobriety? You talk about this, and you share your sober-up-shot strategy. I freaking love this, so please share this.
LISA: Yeah. And I don't know if you've ever had too many drinks of alcohol before—
AMY: Uh, yeah, a few times.
LISA: —and maybe woken up the next day and gone, “Mm, I shouldn't have said that. I wish I hadn’t have done that. Who on Earth was I? I can't believe I kissed the bouncer on the way out of the club.”
AMY: Oh, my single days.
LISA: Yes, okay. And so it really—that’s exactly like emotions. How many times have you got so upset or angry or frustrated or sad, and then you said something or done something, and the next day you're like, “Oh, my god. I wasn't my best self. Like, that wasn't me. Who the hell was that? That was, like, your evil twin that all of a sudden spouted and took over.”
So to me, that is about you were emotionally drunk. And so now how do you stay emotionally sober in situations and moments where you know being emotionally drunk doesn't serve you? Because you know now you get embarrassed; you have to either apologize or you have to undo all the things; or you have to now unwork all the things that you've done to get yourself in that place where you now have to backtrack.
And when you're going after your goals, when you’re going after your dream, when you're going through challenges, that is so important to remind yourself that you're going to have people that don't agree with you. You're going to have people that are going to upset you. You’re going to have people that are going to frustrate you. You're going to have moments where you want to rip your hair out. And in those moments, losing your shit doesn't serve you. It doesn't serve you getting to that goal. And so how do you, in those moments, take an emotional shot of sobriety so that you can leave that situation with dignity, clarity, and handle it in the best way possible so you don't have regrets?
And so I give tips on how to do it in the moment, give tips on what to do afterwards, if you sometimes have to excuse yourself. You have to excuse yourself. But the funny thing that I get is, you know, so I write down all these things, all these ways that you can do it. But even sometimes, like, just freakin’ leave the room. And some people are just like, “But, Lisa, I can't leave the room.” It’s like you can make the worst excuse possible as, like, your worst-case scenario. But even, like, let's say you're in the middle of a presentation, and there's fifty people watching, and something happens, and you're so freakin’ livid. You've got a choice. Lose your cool in front of everyone or make up a really lame excuse, like, “Oh, my god. I can't believe I have to go to the bathroom, guys. I'm so sorry. I've got a weak bladder.” Let's just say you say that. What's better: them thinking you’ve got a weak bladder; or you losing your shit in front of all of them and them thinking a way about you that, let me tell you, you can't ever change, or maybe you can change that reputation, but it's going to take time? I would rather people think I had a weak bladder.
AMY: Yes. Amen to that. I remember I was in a situation where I was doing a live event, and the feed kept going down. Up, down, up, down. And I was getting so pissed because I thought, “Why didn't we check this? I spent a lot of money with this AV team. This is ridiculous. We should have had a back up.” My mind was going crazy, and I wanted to scream on live camera. But when it went down, we did a pause, and I went behind the video screen, and I just needed a moment all by myself, because I thought, “These people work hard. You are not going to be a jerk to everybody,” and I just had a moment. But I had to hide for a minute because I could feel the tears and the anger coming at the same time.
LISA: And god, like, to be honest, if you have to hide, and that's what you need to do, do it. There's so much you’re like, “No, you should always show your emotion.” It’s like sometimes.
AMY: But in that moment, that emotion would not have come out the right way.
LISA: Right.
AMY: Yeah.
LISA: Exactly. And it’s like show your emotion if it’s super sincere and endearing. But it’s like, no, no. You were frustrated. You were pissed. Showing that wouldn't have served you, wouldn't have served the audience, and wouldn’t have served your team.
And so how the hell, in those moments, do you de-escalate? And it's a process. It's not a one and done. It is never, “Oh, my god. You're amazing. And now you're good to go.” It is a self-assessment. It is a rewind to your last situation where you regret. Face it with open eyes and honesty. I say write down what actually took place, but not how you felt. Actually write down the words that came out of that person’s mouth and the words that came out of your mouth. This isn’t a place for feeling right now. So you need to rewind when you're emotionally sober and see what that situation led and how that led to you getting upset. What words happened?
Then, you go, “How did I feel when that word was said?” All right. Now you're starting to identify triggers. You start to identify red flags that you now can use in a future situation. Instead of beating yourself up over what happened in the past, you can go, “Oh, my god. I just learned an amazing lesson. That last time that I completely lost myself and I embarrassed myself, or I was mad, I just recognized that when my face starts to get red, that's a sign that I'm about to escalate.” And you better believe, girl, that's actually a sign for me. My face gets hot fast. And so now every moment when my face starts to get hot, I'm like, “Is it just hot in L.A. or did someone just press a trigger?”
AMY: Yeah.
LISA: And all of that came in hindsight. So I want people to not beat themselves up over moments where they’ve embarrassed and they’ve lost their cool, but use it as a guide and an indicator of where the triggers are, where the flags are, for next time, and now, next time, you have a game plan of what to do.
AMY: Yes. And we love a good game plan.
Okay. So what we always do on the podcast, something new we didn't do last time you were on, is I've got some rapid-fire questions for you. But before we get to the rapid-fire questions, I want you to tell people about the book. Who is this book for? It’s called Radical Confidence, and by the time this episode goes out, people can absolutely order it. It will be out. So tell everybody about the book and where they should go to get it.
LISA: So, here's the thing: I'm not here to dictate what life someone should have. I honestly mean that. And that's one thing that I've really struggled with, with the discussions that's out there. It's like, “No, you can be a businesswoman. You can change the world. And how are you going to impact the world?” And I'm just like, “Guys, ease off. What if people don't freakin’ want to impact the world?”
AMY: It's true.
LISA: “Like, who are we to say, ‘No, no, no. This is what you should do’?” Because I found myself in a situation a very long time ago that I found it so difficult to speak up to say, “Hey, I don't want children, and I want to be a businesswoman.” And I faced judgment, and I faced a lot of backlash. And the last thing I ever want is for anyone to feel like now it's changing and it's the other way, and go, I'm sensing it. There were so many women that I know that really, really want to have children, have a family, stay at home with their kids, and they are feeling now like they are being judged because they don't work. And I'm just like, Stop it. Everyone, just freakin’ stop the game. Like, let's stop playing this game of who's doing what? I don't care. All I care about is, are you living the life you want? Is it fulfilling to you? And if you're not, this book will help break down all the things that may be getting in your way, from yourself, you being the one getting in your way, your mindset, the way you think, the way you show up every day, not to beat yourself up. It’s to say, “Oh, my god. If you want this thing, here is how you do it.” It's going to be freakin’ difficult, but that's what going for your life and the goals and your dreams are. It's not going to be easy. But this book will help be your guide and blueprint of how to navigate that life you want.
So whether you are that person that has, like me, stayed at home for eight years to support my husband, and then all of a sudden realize I not only want to not put his clothes out, but I don't want four kids, and now he's on his own. I want him to make his own food and clean his own clothes, because this doesn't mean that I don't love him, but this isn't fulfilling. And how do I now change and live the life I want? And the tools in this book allow me to do that.
So anyone listening right now, and I'm not short on answers, a short-answer person, but anyone listening right now, no matter what you want—if you've been studying biochemistry for the last four years and you realize you freakin’ hate it and all you want is to be a stay-at-home father, a stay-at-home mother, to educate your neighbor's kids, I don't care—if that's what you want, how do you gain radical confidence to make that change in order to have the life you want?
AMY: It's a powerful book. I want you all to get your hands on it. So, basically, anywhere you buy books, you can find it, right?
LISA: Yeah, absolutely. Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble.
AMY: And where can they go to learn more about you and everything you have to offer?
LISA: Yeah. And you can come to radicalconfidence.com, or you can go to lisabilyeu, mainly on Instagram. That's where I kind of—I love Instagram. It's my jam. So that's really where I'm a lot of the, like, behind-the-scenes stuff in.
AMY: But you own radicalconfidence.com?
LISA: Yes.
AMY: That’s impressive.
LISA: I do. So in fact, I can’t believe that I didn’t even start there. See? And this is actually me going into learning about how to promote a book, which I should've said that from the beginning, and I can't even believe it. I just dropped it as like a…
AMY: I love that you didn’t, because you're just all about serving people. You’re like, “I’m not going to get into all the marketing stuff. I just want to tell you who’s right for this and why you need it.” So I think that’s a beautiful thing, my friend. But we will link to everything in the show notes.
But before I let you go, are you ready for a quick, rapid fire, five questions?
LISA: You may have to mute me because I’m not good at rapid fire, in case you didn’t realize [unclear 43:42].
AMY: You can do it. I totally have confidence in you.
LISA: [unclear 43:45]. All right. We got this, girl. We got this.
AMY: Okay. Here we go. Here we go.
LISA: I'm going to get radically confident in fast answers.
AMY: It's so hard, though. It really is.
Okay. Who is someone that's inspiring you right now, and why?
LISA: Ooh. My husband.
AMY: Mm, why would you say that?
LISA: Because no matter how hard things get, he never strays from his mission.
AMY: He doesn’t. He's incredible. I got to spend a little time with him when we went on a trip together. We got to go on a vacation together. And you two were amazing. But I didn’t know his magic until I saw it in person. He's a great man, for sure.
LISA: He really is. And he’s just a reminder of how important the mission is. Like, it's not about the difficulty; it's about do you actually believe in it, and do you show up every day, and in alignment? And he does, no matter how hard things get.
AMY: Yes. Beautiful answer.
Okay. What is some of the best advice you’ve ever received?
LISA: Ooh, to be honest, I'm not sure who told me, or maybe it was just an evolution. But the truth is is get back up is the best thing you can ever do. Don't worry about failing. Think about how the hell you get back up, which is why I wrote that chapter, “When the Shit Hits the Fan, Wear Goggles.” We're all so worried about the failure itself that we're not actually focusing on the right thing, which actually is, look, failure’s going to be inevitable. The question is, what the hell do you do when it happens? And so it's really like that message that you can always get back up, and reframing your failures into an opportunity is the most beautiful thing that can happen. And I've lived by that.
AMY: Absolutely. Get back up. That’s great advice.
Okay. What's your go-to personal—oh, we already did this—your go-to- personal theme song? “Survivor.” Okay. We got that one.
And what is one daily habit in your routine that helps you build confidence?
LISA: Oh, the gym, 1,000 percent. Me against the weights.
AMY: Yes. If you follow Lisa online—I’ll link to her Instagram—she shares a lot of her gym time, which is really fun. I love to see you in action. You are hard core, and I’m impressed. So, love that.
And then, what's something that you're most looking forward to this year?
LISA: Ah, my book releasing.
AMY: I was going to say, “You better say your book.”
LISA: Here's the weird thing, and you'll be going through this process. I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about that.
AMY: Yeah, yeah.
LISA: Okay. Good, good, good. Okay. So you’ll learn this process, but there's that moment of, like, you're in your head. You're like, “What words am I putting on the page? And does this sentence make sense? And does it feel right?” And you're so in it that—I don't have children, but I think that this is what it feels like to spend nine months growing the thing. But that's actually just the beginning. And then when you actually give birth, that's actually when shit starts, and, like, that's kind of how I felt like with the book, where it's like, I'm so excited to now release it because I have an image in my head of how it will affect the world. And I don't know if I'm right. And so it's, like, the beauty to see if all that work and effort has really come into fruition. And I won't beat myself up if it doesn't. I’ve already processed what happens if the book fails. I’ve already put in my own mindset and worked on my mind so that I can absolutely put the book out to the world and be proud of the result, not the result of if it succeeds or not. And I've had to do that work before that.
AMY: Mm, that's powerful. I love that you did that work. It’s so very important. I'm excited for your book to get out into the world.
So, I just want to say thank you so much for being here. Thank you for being a dear friend. And I can’t wait to shout this book from the roof tops. So we will definitely be telling everyone about it.
Thank you, Lisa, so much for coming on the show.
LISA: Thank you, homie. And I just want to say thank you to you. You're such an amazing, beautiful person. And behind the scenes, where people don't get to see it, your support system and your texts, it’s just been beautiful, and I just want to say thank you, and thank you for having me and sharing me with your audience. And I freakin’ adore you, woman.
AMY: I adore you, too, and I can't wait ‘till you come back. So thanks again, friend. Take care.
LISA: I can’t wait to have you on my show.
AMY: I can’t wait, too! Let’s do it!
LISA: Promote your book, homie.
AMY: I can’t wait. Let’s do it.
All right. Talk to you soon.
LISA: Bye.
AMY: I don't know about you, but I wish I had a little Lisa on my shoulder every day. She knows how to get you fired up, right? I love her story so much because it reminds me just how powerful we are. When we talk about confidence, it's important to remember that it's something we need to work on every single day. Do I feel confident every single day? Heck, no. Do I work toward feeling confident every single day? Yes, I do.
So, here's what I want you to do. Choose one practice that resonated with you in this conversation. Grab a pen and paper. Start to journal on it. Perhaps Lisa shared some prompts for you, or maybe you just need to start writing. And then I want you to embody that practice. Keep showing up for yourself. Keep working towards radical confidence. When you slip up or things don't work out, just notice the lesson, ask the hard questions, and then move forward with more knowledge and insight than you had before. I'm cheering you on, and I can't wait to see what happens when you fully embrace your confidence, because you deserve that.
All right. Be sure to go and preorder your copy of Radical Confidence, and make sure to check out my show notes, amyporterfield.com/457, for all the links to engage with Lisa and learn more about her.
All right, my friends. As always, thanks for joining me today. It means the world to me that you're here. I'll see you next week, same time, same place. Bye for now.
